Eber: No goldfish left behind

This column is a satire on government waste and stupid welfare programs.  We should be grateful Governor Newsom has not come up with the idea of  Goldfish Bereavement Leave  (GBL) yet.  The bad news is that California’s leader has more than two years left on his term to institute additional wasteful spending schemes to burden taxpayers. 

No goldfish left behind by Richard Eber

Richard Eber, Exclusive to the California Political News and Views,  6/3/24   www.capoliticalnewsandviews.com

It is a well known fact that California’s budget needed to operate state  government has more than doubled during the last decade.  In the midst of its current 83 billion dollar deficit, the Lebislature in Sacramento has found it is difficult to cut any worthy programs.

To remedy the problem, Gavin Newsom plans to put off spending on approved projects, increase income tax for the wealthy and add a 50 per gallon to the gas tax. (fixing potholes  be damned!)

There will be no cuts on welfare and medical benefits bestowed to illegal aliens residing in Sanctuary Cities. The sane goes tor  all educational expenditures including Pre-Pre School.  The Bullet Train to nowhere will be funded in full!  The same goes for all Government worker pension obligations.

In this time of turmoil, it will be necessary to throw a life line to deserving labor unions. They have gone without an inflation adjustment in their wage package for almost six months.

A new family leave benefit has been added  for deserving public employees.

DEI cabinet Head Patty Cake breathlessly reported;

The SIEU has  negotiated  a Goldfish Bereathment Leave (GBL) agreement.  It settles a class action suit filed by PETA and  Chicken Rights advocates. They successfully  sued the state for inhumane treatment of all categories of pets.  

This includes dogs, cats, pigs, cattle, rodents, lizards, snakes, squirrels, and even fish. The (GBL)  legislation received its name from Gavin Newsom. When he signed the bill. The Governor proclaimed “Even the passing of a guppy or goldfish can create sadness, despair, and major depression.  GBL is an obligation we can’t ignore”

This new benefit package includes:

• Up to six months paid leave to deal with grief issues
•  Free counselling and group  sessions with several  options open to combat  anxiety and depression. (Paid Valium and Ataban prescriptions included)
• If necessary  a paid 6 week in patient rehab program can be approved by any shop steward or supervisor). 
• An allowance of up to $ 500.00 be available to cover funeral and burial expenses for departed pets.
•  A paid gift certificate for up to  $ 1000.00 at Pet’s Mart to subsidize  suitable replacements for fallen critters..

No one can protest this landmark legislation.To do so would be considered an aggravated felony woke hate crime against man or animalkind. Conviction could mean a sentence of up to 3 yearsr for the offending party in State Prison.

The attorney general bragged there is plenty of room behind bars to incarcerate law breakers.  He noted ” We have prematurely released murders, robbers, and sex offenders.” The AG praised the Sorus family for help electing Progressive D.A.;s to make “All of this possible”.

The only concern in Sacramento is that the new GBL benefits will need to be offered to other industries such as railroad workers, Rapid Transit operators. Longshoreman and certified sex therapists.  

This new legislation  is not considered to be a threat to aggravate the growing budget deficit of the Golden State. Newsom assured the State Chamber of Commerce, “For now GBL will not be extended to residents of Sanctuary Cities who had to swim across the Rio Grande River to reach California.”

The Governor is very upset because workers and businesses in other regions have not followed California’s lead in providing humanitarian assistance for GBL victims. Newsom is threatening to set a policy where CalPERS will divest themselves of their stock portfolio of any company that does not comply “with this basic human right.”

In delivering the keynote address at a recent  PETA Convention.Newsom assured the group:

“You can trust me.  It was under my watch chickens, pigs, and Geese be given the necessary room they need to live a happy, healthy, productive life.  I was also instrumental in preventing force feeding  geese so they can produce Foie Gras for wealthy Republicans. My motto is” No goldfish left behind”.

The governor is also working  on  legislation mandating solar powered heaters be utilized to warm chickens while laying their eggs.  He hopes sun powered apparatus that charge electric cars , will one dyfind additional uses promoting a sustainable agricultural economy.

Newsom is also having his crack DEI research staff at UCLA trying to find use for an electric fork to cut down on microwave usage in reheating food. The Governor boasted  “This is your government at work making everyones lives better.”