This articles is satire. Unfortunately, satire today sometimes looks like the real thing. For instance does your city have an application to show where the poop is? San Fran does—no, this is for real.“’SnapCrap’ app invites San Francisco residents to report poop on city streets”
As we all know the Chamber of Commerce is responsible for tourism. So while this is just satire today, it could be real tomorrow:
“In desperation, the Chamber of Commerce has put together alternate tours that appeal to the prurient interests of those shelling out the bucks to come west. Under the name of Babylon by the Bay (BBB) Enterprises, this company has a high profile board of directors including London Breed, Gavin Newsom, Willie Brown, and Nancy Pelosi.
Sadly, the satire of today will become the policy of tomorrow. Who ever thought that drag queens would be giving lectures to 5 year old in a government school?
New tourism in San Francisco by Richard Eber
As is well known, the tourist and convention business in San Francisco has dropped like a brick in recent years. Because of crime, homelessness, and Covid-19, and increased use of video conferencing, the City by the Bay ain’t what it used to be.
In desperation, the Chamber of Commerce has put together alternate tours that appeal to the prurient interests of those shelling out the bucks to come west. Under the name of Babylon by the Bay (BBB) Enterprises, this company has a high profile board of directors including London Breed, Gavin Newsom, Willie Brown, and Nancy Pelosi.
Given the grim state of affairs attracting outsiders to visit San Francisco the police department has declared themselves as a sanctuary City for even for those accused of assault, armed robbery, carjacking, and other serious felonies. As a preventative measure the chief of police said “Those who participate in our special tourist programs must sign a consent form that promises they will not do anything to hurt others or risk deportation to jurisdictions where they are wanted.”
The California Political News and Views were able to receive advance copies of some of the first tours BBB Enterprises has arranged. These include
Shop Lifting for Dummies: In a period of 3 days, attendees to this special program will improve their skills in shop lifting to maximize profits while reducing penalties for apprehension. Classes will be taught that help distinguish the difference between designer products such as Rolex, Hermes, Louis Vuitton, Coach, and knock-offs.
A seminar will be held on techniques of smash and grab making sure not more than items totally less than $ 950.00 are taken per heist. In addition each attendee will have one on one mentoring with an expert on fencing stolen items to make sure shop lifters are not exploited by capitalist business interests.
Should a job go wrong, vacation goers will receive guidance on dealing me with the police, public defenders, and the district attorney. If a shop owner or rent-a-cop hurts those trying to steal from their businesses, different strategies to sue those responsible will be explored.
Three strikes and you are not out: This tour which is restricted to those who have served hard time helps career criminals from going back into the slammer for an extended period. The focus of this trip is to not make attendees go straight; but to enhance their criminal skills.
Seminars will be held on living in places with the lowest rates crime solving such as Los Angeles, Portland, Chicago, Baltimore, Oakland and other democratically controlled cities. Over a steak dinner former SF District Attorney Chesa Boudin will tell the group how to avoid prosecution, even when caught red handed committing a serious felony.
A special Folsom Prison reunion is planned as is a class on jumping bail while avoiding apprehension. “Senior criminals” have the opportunity to participate in enrichment classes in other groups such as carjacking for profit, murder for hire, and collecting debt with friendly persuasion.
To encourage enrolment, those who sign up in advance are entitled to “Early Bird” special pricing and Senior Discounts if applicable.
How to survive as a junkie: This tour deals with developing enhanced skills in dealing, manufacturing, and proper packaging of narcotics for retail sale. For those just getting into the trade courses in staking out street corners, how to approach perspective middle school clients, and discouraging competition, are offered. Much like English 101, attendees have the option of testing out of this class if they have prior experience.
One of the most popular programs on this tour is learning the principles of manufacturing meth. Included in this two day seminar is procuring materials including cold pills, sulfur, weight loss products, fentanyl etc. The second day is devoted to safely cooking various concoctions while avoiding detection from law enforcement agencies.
If one is too dumb to make speed, (it takes a fifth grade education level including math) there is always a class in safe cleaning of needles and collecting money from junkies who are behind in their payments. There is also a presentation on coping with Rehab to receive a lighter sentence.
Gang Member Family Tour: At a cost less than a visit to the Magic Kingdom in Anaheim, cartel members can offer their siblings a vacation package catering to all ages. In addition to having access to classes enhancing criminal skills gang leaders will be given instruction on team building. Other areas covered include eliminating competition among the ranks, embezzling techniques, catching snitches, and other skills to please your cartel bosses.
Wives and girlfriends will be offered Moll fashion advice, how to avoid deportation, and a seminar on maintaining a high standard of living when Dad is doing time. Not to be left out are children of cartel members. They will be given instruction on starting your own gang, firearms use, lethal martial arts, and a crafts program that features building your own ghost gun.
According to the a spokesman for the BBB Enterprises “We want to offer a wholesome experience for the whole family that brings parents and children closer together. In the future our organization will have additional alternate tours that will make San Francisco a destination for more than just deviants and common criminals.”
Next year a first pilot program will be offered on how to live a middle class lifestyle at government expense. It is a joint project paid for by Google, Facebook, and Bill Gates. Attendees will be housed at the Marriot and have 24 hr access to trained therapists. Even the San Francisco Chamber of Commerce wants into the action sponsoring an ice cream social.
Classes will be offered on different techniques and best places to do pan handling. A field trip to Tenderloin is planned put on by trained professionals The BBB will give a rash course on how to apply for free government services. Later an inmate from San Quentin will provide a Snap Chat demo on how he arranged to receive 10 unemployment checks from California while doing life in prison.
The possibilities are endless. According to the BBB, “The seven deadly sins will provide a firm foundation for San Francisco to rebuild a foundering tourist industry, one offense at a time. We hope leaving ones heart in San Francisco will be obtainable for all”.
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